I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
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