Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
