Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
