8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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