i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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