Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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