Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Randomize
