I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
