i barfeds in our rink
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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