i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
