so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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