your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
