I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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