i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
