I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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