dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
