This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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