I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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