So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Let's paint friendship bongs
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
