why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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