Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
