In the future we'll all be gay
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
