She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
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i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
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I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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