I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
