You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
