I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
