It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
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cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize