I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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