i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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