I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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