9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
