your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
wow bdsm is so cute
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
