Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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