where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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