I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
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