She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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