Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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