I wish I could punch you in the face.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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