you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
