If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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