so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Congratulations! We have a period
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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