I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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