Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
