he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
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My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
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So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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