woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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