If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
