his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
