so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
