I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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