I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
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Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
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I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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