I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
