I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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