Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
